I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
