did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
