apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
