He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just found puke in my bra..
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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