life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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