Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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