If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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