hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
