Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
