I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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