i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
