Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
