I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
