there's paper in my vomit.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
