He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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