I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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