Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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