she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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