I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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