I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
