how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
