Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
