just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
