Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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