Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
