WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
