I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
