Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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