like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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