dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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