My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
