his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
