so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
