booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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