THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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