I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
