my phone needs a breathalizer
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
PANTIES FOUND
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