we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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