OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
