she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
