i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
