There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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