i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
