I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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