My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
