dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
