Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I want is dick and wine.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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