Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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