Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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