Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
