So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
